theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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