I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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