my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Randomize
