She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Randomize
