Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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