The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize