im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
