My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I supernannyed him into submission
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
