Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
did i walk over a car last night?
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Randomize
