my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
