she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
