I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
You're like the curious george of whores
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
