porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Randomize
