Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize