I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Randomize
