can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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