i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
