so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
