did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize