I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
