girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
