Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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