I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
