I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Randomize
