my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
