we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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