Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
