After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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