3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
I just blew my weed a kiss
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Randomize
