My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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