wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
