i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
