I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Randomize
