I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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