i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
