My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
