Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Randomize
