We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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