Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
i already hear my dad disowning me
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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