remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
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