Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
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