It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
