I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
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