Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
