Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
