I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
Randomize
