I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Randomize
