you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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