2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
