Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
