I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
