My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
