if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Randomize
