And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
