There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
there is puke in my bra ... again
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize