Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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