i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
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