I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
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