We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Randomize