I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Randomize
