sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
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