its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
