Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
