I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
We are two peas in an std pod
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
