The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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